Fear of Consequences

For the last year or so, I have been really convicted of the failings in my life. This ranges from my walk with the Lord to how I play with my children to what kind of wife or daughter or friend I am.

I went on an early-morning workout walk with a friend today and was telling her that no matter how hard I try, I just seem to keep making mistakes. It’s terribly frustrating because I want to be better – it’s just the harder I try the worse I seem to behave or think. Why is that?

Photo courtesy of ouroutofsynclife.blogspot.com.

So, I set out in search of “how to behave better” on the Internet. I can tell you, the results were not astoundingly good. In fact, the only applicable item was how a thirteen-year-old could get along better with her parents. The best response was to “think about the consequences” before she yelled at them. Whoops. I’m afraid I do think of the consequences and just don’t seem to care until later. And then when I have to face them, I sometimes experience an intense fear of never improving.

One thing I have discovered is that the traits I hate in others just so happen to be ones that I have as well. People I don’t like act as a mirror to myself. I am always surprised by people who think I am “sweet” or “kind.” I am nothing of the sort! For all you Anne of Green Gables fans out there, remember when she said that if people only knew all the things she wanted to say and didn’t, they’d be amazed? Yep. You sure would. You would wonder that planet I do come from. Except poor Anne was just trying to curb her tongue about things in general; I need to curb the nasty that comes out.

I have also read that the things about us that people like the best are things that others hate about us. For instance, some think I am extroverted (read = fun), while others think I’m loud and obnoxious (I have to agree with the latter). The problem is, the quieter I try to behave, the more difficult it is. I eventually explode in loudness.

So. What to do? I just had a thought. Maybe it’s so difficult to change the things about myself because change is hard! It’s supposed to be difficult. That’s why most people don’t do it. And then I thought – if they don’t bother, why should I? And THEN I thought – it isn’t my business what they do – it’s only about what I do.

I think I am ending this post more discouraged and frustrated with myself than when I started. Bummer. So, I am making an appeal of help – how do you deal with changing things you do wrong or don’t like about yourself? Please comment!


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