As a child, I early on developed a habit of rebellion towards untrustworthy authority.
This habit became who I am. And now that I am out from under said authority figures, the means how I navigated what I felt was right became a means to navigate to get what I wanted.
The result? A hardness of heart that reveals itself to my family and people who know me well. A terrible example to my children and the ungodly as to Who and What God is and how to glorify Him.
And where has that gotten me, practically? Anxiety, being easily offended and popping off at the mouth when I am, far too much opinion spewing from my mouth, an immense amount of anger, bitterness, and resentment, and most of all, a dichotomy inside myself that is constantly at war.
You see, I want to obey God. I want to do what is right. I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife; have a wonderful marriage; be an excellent mother; and to raise godly boys. But how can I do that when I have set myself up as my ultimate authority figure?
The world rejoices at folks like me because I do not represent God, and when I do manage to behave and have the faith that He wants me to, I present a confusion to them. How can she be this, and believe that? No wonder I am under condemnation most of the time.
I know that sanctification is a process. It takes time. Your whole life. However, I should be further along by now! I know that a lot of what I am dealing with in my life, right now, is a direct consequence of outside forces that were way beyond my control. I am aware that my anger is a natural. I am aware that defense mechanisms come into place for logical reasons.
And I am also aware that God’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness means that I should be able to operate outside of all that in a manner completely different from who I am. Not easily, but possible. I am aware that many of the consequences I am facing, and have been for more time than I care to share, lie at my own feet.
What’s the answer? This is an issue I have been facing most of my life, and I still am unsure. Being a Christian doesn’t give me all the answers! It actually gives me lots of questions, and while that is frustrating, I want GOD to be my ultimate authority figure. I do not want to rebel against Him.
Lord, I am praying to You this afternoon in a spirit of contrition, repentance, and a sincere desire for forgiveness. I have wronged You and others and I have wronged myself. Only You can take this deeply entrenched sin in my heart and fling it to the four corners of the Earth, and I ask – I beg – for You to do that now. What my life will look like when I am not in complete control is not what I’m afraid of anymore. What my relationships will be like without me as the ultimate authority does not interest me at all. All I want is to be obedient. That’s it, Father God. Obedience to You and You alone. I do not owe that to my parents, my husband, my friends, or my family. I owe that to You and then to my pastor, and I trust that You have provided an honorable man in that scenario. A man of integrity, love, compassion, grace, and wisdom. However, YOU alone are the be-all and end-all of my faith. The rest, I know, will settle out how You want it, in a way that is best for me and those closest to me.
In Your holy name, Amen.
May y’all be BLESSED today!